My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
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Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.