Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
You Might Also Like
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Pat is about to own someone
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.