[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
You Might Also Like
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher