Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
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“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”