Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
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*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.