Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
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Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.