My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
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What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
The little toadstool has spoken.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT