I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
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We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.