[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
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Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
What if the weather talks about us?
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.