If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
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WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?