Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
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Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?