[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
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Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does