Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
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I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.