[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
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The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving