Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
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Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Passwords are more important than ever.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
finally found a reasonable question
me linking you to my twitter
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.