Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
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I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
🙋♀️
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes