me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
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[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds