Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
You Might Also Like
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.