Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
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The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
is this a warning or an offer?
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”