I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
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Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
pep talk
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*