Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
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Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air