This was my dad’s browser history.
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That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer