I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
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Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.