I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
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If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Planet of the Apps.