My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
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The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for