Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
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My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man