The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
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*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
incredible book dedication
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please