ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
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My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”