Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
You Might Also Like
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
😎 🍻
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls