Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
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I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.