I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
You Might Also Like
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor