My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
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I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
is this a warning or an offer?
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP