My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
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*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on