R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
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Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Smells like a challenge to me
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems