Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
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Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
😎 🍻
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement