[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
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Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?