I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
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I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]