Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
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them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead