Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
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Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic