I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
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I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*