My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
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Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Name this drama.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist