5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
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[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Google Pay be like:
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Smile they said.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.