[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
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when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.