You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
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The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.