Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
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It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
OKAY DAD
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room