The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
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Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.