It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
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Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
the saddest jazz hands ever
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.