I like it thick and deep
Pizza
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Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.