I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
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I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people