Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
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If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…